


My Thoughts and My Faults

by MeredithBrody



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-05
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2019-11-12 12:36:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 2,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18011030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeredithBrody/pseuds/MeredithBrody
Summary: Drabbles/ficlets of under 500 words. All written as part of my facebook challenge group. I will add characters/pairings if and when they are written in. In the chapter summary I will include any triggers/warnings/tags as deemed appropriate or as are requested. I have no idea how many there will be so... enjoy.Spoilers through the latest episodes to varying degrees.





	1. Chapter 1

**_Yesterday we were laughing_**  
_**Today I'm left here asking** _  
_**Where has all the time gone now** _  
_**I'm left alone somehow** _  
_**Growing up and getting older** _  
_**I don't want to believe it's over** _  
**-Skillet “Say Goodbye”**

Yasha didn’t like people. She never had been very good at connecting with people but there was one person she knew she could always rely on. There was nobody that she had met who had been as instantly accepting as Mollymauk Tealeaf. He hadn’t asked her anything, he’d just accepted who she was and she had extended him the same courtesy.

Now she felt it was her fault that he was dead.

If she had been a little stronger, a little faster, paid a little more attention… none of this would have happened. She would have been there to protect her friend. She would have been able to make sure that he wasn’t the one who died, and that she wasn’t going to be left alone.

She didn’t want to believe that Molly was gone, and travelling with their new friends would just remind her that he wasn’t there. She needed some space, if only for a few days. She needed to think about Molly and she would mourn him in her own ways.

But if she was always going to alone… she was going to get used to it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb being emo about having friends.

**_Your balance_**  
_**When you walk along the edge** _  
_**The out from under** _  
_**When you're in over your head** _  
_**The reason you believe** _  
_**Let me be, let me be** _  
**-Escape The Fate “Let Me Be”**

Caleb was used to being in the middle of their adventuring party. He wasn’t anywhere near as strong or resilient as the rest of them and he was painfully aware of that. Today though there were things in this cave system that equalised him. None of them were particularly good at this, other than Beau, and it mean much stumbling about. No one more than Jester, who seemed to be particularly clumsy this morning. “Let me help?” He offered, probably one of the first times he’d so freely offered to help anyone.

“Are you… okay.” Jester was clearly about to ask if he really thought that she needed help then thought better of it. Caleb was certain she could have done it alone, he wasn’t sure there was anything Jester couldn’t do once she set her mind to it but it was a lot quicker when she accepted help. “Thank you, Caleb.” Jester gave him the same sweet smile she always gave him before she kissed his cheek then skipped away. Not a second thought while Caleb stood there frozen as he recovered from that tiny interaction.

“Anything you need.” Caleb all but whispered to empty air, but truly meant that. While he would help any member of the Nein with what they needed, for most it wouldn’t be anything. That was when Caleb realised that maybe he was in over his head and his first desire was to run. But looking over and watching Jester planning whatever mischief she and Nott were considering he realised that he couldn’t. Even though he worried about his influence on their friends he couldn’t leave now.

He was definitely in too deep, but a tiny Goblin and a bright blue Tiefling both gave him reasons to be better, and the others taught him how.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb is still being emo about having friends. I apparently write a lot of this.

**_So tell me again, is this the end_**  
_**Or is it another night I'm broken** _  
_**I'm begging for anything that I can get** _  
_**To make sure no word goes unspoken** _  
**-Set It Off “Unspoken”**

As the flames climbed up the sides of the sticks and leaves that they’d found Caleb found he couldn’t tear his eyes away. That wasn’t uncommon when he was around fire and he was fairly sure that none of his friends were interested in exactly what it was that caused that. Beau and Nott knew, they still accepted him. They still even loved him in their own ways, but Caleb still didn’t dare tell them all how much worse it was.

Everyone was as close to the fire as they could get, the chill in the winter air was enough to make him wonder if it would be worth casting his hut around the fire, unsure If that would keep the heat in or if it would eventually become too hot. He wasn’t sure that most of them would be that upset about that thought. Not in this weather. It might even snow tonight.

There wasn’t a single night that passed where Caleb didn’t wonder if this would be the night that he discovered his friends didn’t actually care for him the way they claimed. He had been led to believe that he was only worth as much as his powers would give, but these people claimed to care about him regardless.

He was still thinking about this when there was a tug on one of his hands and he brought himself back to the moment to see Nott getting more and more agitated with him. “Caleb, come to the fire. You don’t need to get a chill.”

“I am very thankful to have you as a friend, Nott.” He spoke quietly, not making a move, though he was sure that Nott would not put up with his staying still very much longer. It was clear that she was worried he was getting to cold.

“Me too. Now come on, warm up you’re shivering.” Nott fussed over him, pulling him into the huddle around the fire and Caleb did feel warmed. Not only from the fire, but from knowing that his friends were all around him and that he didn’t need to hide the fact he cared about them.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beau and Caleb are friends you guys and they are terrible at it and I love them.

**_Come on home and let yourself heal_**  
_**You could sleep for a thousand years** _  
_**I won't let you disappear** _  
_**Let your heart beat here** _  
**-Dashboard Confessional “Heart Beat Here”**

There was a lot that had happened today and nearly all of it had led to debates between herself and Caleb. Really between everyone and Caleb. That wasn’t helpful and then he’d stormed off. Seeing him coming back into the inn they had decided to stay in for the night was a relief, but she couldn’t let him off that easily. “You done with being a dumbass.”

“I was not being a dumbass. I had some genuine concerns.” Caleb barely looked up from Frumpkin’s fluffy back as he spoke.

“Are you going to try and walk away from us again, Caleb?” She asked simply, recognising all the signs. “I won’t let you. I won’t let you just get up and leave us all again. We all care about you too much for that and so help me… if you make Jester cry by leaving I will be honour bound to find you and kick your ass.” Jester needed them all, Beau thought, and she didn’t want her friend to be disappointed by someone else in her life.

“I do not know if I can remain when we are doing foolish things.” The same dour, pessimistic view as Caleb always held. The one thing Beau knew was that no matter how pessimistic he was he would always have their backs.

“Of course you can. We know you, Caleb. We trust you, we believe in you and we love you.” Beau wasn’t sure that she’d said those words to anyone in a very long time but she also knew they were the truth. Everyone here loved Caleb in their own way. “You have a home with us, probably the first one you’ve known in a long time. I know it is for me.”

“I do not think any of this is wise.” Caleb continued. For a moment Beau didn’t know if he was talking about their debate over where they were headed or whether he was talking about their group. She found that really it didn’t matter, the answer would be the same whichever way she took it.

“We’re the Mighty Nein. When has anything we do been wise?” Beau joking and nudged Caleb with her shoulder. She didn’t know much about families, hers hadn’t exactly been stellar, but this was exactly what they all needed, and she felt like this was what a family was supposed to be.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'll admit, I like writing angsty Caleb. This has a more happy/hopeful ending though.

_**Summer has come and passed** _   
_**The innocent can never last** _   
_**Wake me up when September ends** _   
_**Like my fathers come to pass** _   
_**Seven years has gone so fast** _   
_**Wake me up when September ends** _   
**-Green Day “Wake Me Up When September Ends”**

Caleb always marked the day in some way. He didn’t tell anyone and he didn’t make it into a big deal but he needed to find a way to mark it even if it was only for himself. Maybe it was his own way of continuing to punish himself for the mistakes of his youth or maybe it was the only way he could think of to honour his parents.

The more time that passed the easier it seemed to be to get into a headspace, but for most of those he’d been alone. He hadn’t had other people around. People who cared about him. People who wanted the best for him. That was, strangely, making it harder for him to focus on his parents this year.

As he thought of his mother, something Beau had said would pass through his mind and distract him. He’d try again and Nott’s overprotectiveness would come over him and he’d start smiling. If he moved on to think about his father he’d be reminded of Caduceus’ calmness or Fjord’s resilience.

Most of all he was reminded of the feeling of home. The feeling that he was with people he truly belonged with. Nott, Beau, Jester, Fjord, Yasha, Caduceus… they may not have been a conventional family but it seemed like that was exactly what they’d become. With the complicated histories that came with that.

He didn’t think he would have felt comfortable with that but, to his surprise, he did.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is set sometime while they were on the Ball Eater, after they'd been ejected from Darktow.

__**I see a pain behind your eyes  
I know you feel it everyday  
It's like a light that slowly dies  
But it's better not to say  
It's better not to say such things out loud  
Just close your eyes and bite your tongue for now  
Don't let them see you fall**  
- **As It Is “The Stigma (Boys Don’t Cry)**

Caleb had been the only one to notice Jester slink away from the group. Something she’d been doing periodically since they’d seen off with Avantika, but it seemed to be more common right now and Caleb was determined to find out why. He went down to her room and knocked on her door. “Jester.”

“I’ll be out in a second.” She was lying. He could tell.

“Please… let me in.” He would have begged for her to open the door for him, he didn’t want to have to force it but he was worried. “I will come in either way but I would rather you say that I could.”

“Fine. Come in.” She was curled up on the bed, doing her best to hide away from him. “I’ll be back out in a minute.”

“Jester… I know you’re not okay.” He wanted to tell her that it killed him to know she was struggling, that he wished she wasn’t feeling half as bad as she was. That he wished he could take her pain for her, as it would barely add anything to his. Instead all he could do was support her for now. “I see it in your eyes. They don’t sparkle quite as much as they used to.”

“I don’t want The Gentleman to be my dad. He’s not a good man and he does bad things. I wanted a good dad. Someone who would still love my momma.”

“I cannot tell you that it would be okay, because I don’t know that for sure and neither do you. He did not reply to your message, so maybe it is not him and it is just a coincidence.”

“Do you really believe that?”

“I believe that it’s better not to focus on it. I know that it will not go away but… hiding away from everyone is not the best thing to do.” There was something about the friends they had made that meant none of them could leave things alone when they were worried. Including him, apparently. “It is my preference too but I have learnt from this group that they will be here.”

“I didn’t think anyone would want to see me sad. I just bite my tongue and wait until the sad passes.”

“You don’t need to do that. Not with me. Promise me you won’t?”  “Promise me.”

“Fine. I promise.”

“Now. How about you stop sulking and we go and see what pastries Caduceus can make?” Caleb stood up and held his arm out for Jester to get up and come with him if she was

“You’re speaking my language, Caleb.” Jester immediately perked up and Caleb felt like he’d done the best thing that he could. There were so many things that he could cope with, but seeing Jester so down was not one of them and he would do anything to cheer her up, even if it was giving her advice he was sure neither of them believed.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I blame Brexit for why I'm not writing much.  
> This chapter contains spoilers through ep 57.

**In broken bones (a half-hearted smile)  
I feel at home (I'm proud of nothing)  
I tend to get attached so quick to all I've ever known  
(all I've ever known)  
**- **As It Is “Can’t Save Myself”**

The Mighty Nein was not something that Beau had ever expected to find. She wasn’t about friends. She hadn’t had friends before. Then she’d met Fjord and Jester, Caleb and Nott, Molly and Yasha, eventually losing Molly and gaining Caduceus and all of a sudden she had friends.

It was not the most comfortable she’d ever been in her life but she was now attached to them all. She was even more attached and feeling at home when they were fighting shit and she was getting herself injured.

Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe if she kept going like this someone would be proud of her. These friends she’d made, at least, if not her family.

But first of all, they needed to stop a war. That was not her idea, and she didn’t want to betray her home, but she had to do it because Caleb was right, despite his murky motivations, they were the only ones who could do this.

Why did it have to be on the side of the Kryn?


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is less specific but... yeah. Some Caleb thoughts.

**These are my words  
That I've never said before  
I think I'm doing okay  
And this is the smile  
That I've never shown before  
Somebody shake me 'cause I, I must be sleeping**  
- **Staind “So Far Away”**

Weeks, months, years. He had no idea how long it had been since he’d felt this comfortable. Since things in his life had felt so simple and easy. He was finally at a place where he could trust the people around him, where he knew that they had his back and he had theirs.

Sure, the work they were doing was still hard, and there were still more threats than he was actually comfortable with but that hadn’t stopped them succeeding on them all. They’d suffered losses but they were working to prevent that now. He wasn’t going to stop just because things were getting hard.

He could smile again. Laugh again. Say, and genuinely mean, that he was okay, again. It had been too long a time since that had happened for him, and he was going to try his hardest not to betray that trust of the people that were relying on him. He was on the right track, and that was what he wanted to focus on now.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And this contains many spoilers through ep 57 - Jester POV

**_17:_** **When your tears are spent on your last pretense  
And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense  
When it's in your spine like you've walked for miles  
And the only thing you want is just to be still for a while**  
- **Marianas Trench “Beside You”**

Jester was _hurt_. She didn’t remember the last time that she had hurt this badly after a fight. Maybe it was the fact she’d had to revive Caduceus and Caleb had been attacking them and everything that had happened since. She was exhausted now but they finally had a chance to rest.

Realising that some of the things she’d believed were wrong was making her think too and now she just needed to think. She needed to sleep and work out about who and what she wanted and where she was going to go from now on. The fact that she was here, with her friends, was one thing but they were not in the best of places.

And despite everything Caleb said… she didn’t think she was going to get to see her momma again. Maybe though she could send Yeza, Luke, Kiri’s family and Beau’s family to Nicodranas. Maybe they would all be safe down on the Menagerie coast. She was laying to fall asleep thinking about this and hoping that it would make her feel better.

But she was struggling. She was really struggling, and she really couldn’t let any of her friends know that. They had too much to do and she needed to be strong.


End file.
